HEAVY BOOTS HEAVIER BOOTS Twelve weekends later was the first performance of Hamlet, although it was actually an abbreviated modern version, because the real Hamlet is too long and confusing, and most of the kids in my class have ADD.

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HEAVY BOOTS

HEAVIER BOOTS
Twelve weekends later was the first performance of Hamlet, although it was actually an abbreviated modern version,
because the real Hamlet is too long and confusing, and most of the kids in my class have ADD. For example, the famous
"To be or not to be" speech, which I know about from the Collected Shakespeare set Grandma bought me, was cut down
so that it was just, "To be or not to be, that's the question."
veryone had to have a part, but there weren't enough real parts, and I didn't go to the auditions because my boots were
oo heavy to go to school that day, so I got the part of Yorick. At first that made me self-conscious. I suggested to Mrs.
Rigley that maybe I could just play tambourine in the orchestra or something. She said, "There is no orchestra." I said,
Still." She told me, "It'll be terrific. You'll wear all black, and the makeup crew will paint your hands and neck black, and
the costume crew will create some sort of a papier-mache skull for you to wear over your head. It'll really give the illusion
that you don't have a body." I thought about that for a minute, and then I told her my better idea. "What I'll do is, I'll
invent an invisibility suit that has a camera on my back that takes video of everything behind me and plays it on a plasma
screen that I'll wear on my front, which will cover everything except my face. It'll look like I'm not there at all." She said,
"Nifty." I said, "But is Yorick even a part?" She whispered into my ear, "If anything, I'm afraid you'll steal the show." Then I
as excited to be Yorick.
pening night was pretty great. We had a fog machine, so the cemetery was just like a cemetery in a movie. "Alas, poor
orick!" Jimmy Snyder said, holding my face, "I knew him, Horatio." I didn't have a plasma screen, because the costumes
udget wasn't big enough, but from underneath the skull I could look around without anyone noticing. I saw lots of
eople I knew, which made me feel special. Mom and Ron and Grandma were there, obviously. Toothpaste was there
ith Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton, which was nice, and Mr. and Mrs. Minch were there, too, because The Minch was
uildenstern. A lot of the Blacks that I had met in those twelve weekends were there. Abe was there. Ada and Agnes
ere there. (They were actually sitting next to each other, although they didn't realize it.) I saw Albert and Alice and Allen
nd Arnold and Barbara and Barry. They must have been half the audience. But what was weird was that they didn't know
hat they had in common, which was kind of like how I didn't know what the thumbtack, the bent spoon, the square of
luminum foil, and all those other things I dug up in Central Park had to do with each other.
was incredibly nervous, but I maintained my confidence, and I was extremely subtle. I know, because there was a
standing ovation, which made me feel like one hundred dollars.
The second performance was also pretty great. Mom was there, but Ron had to work late. That was OK, though, because I
didn't want him there anyway. Grandma was there, obviously. I didn't see any of the Blacks, but I knew that most people
o to only one show unless they're your parents, so I didn't feel too bad about that. I tried to give an extraspecial
erformance, and I think I did. "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio; a really funny and excellent guy. I used to ride on
is back all the time, and now, it's so awful to think about!"
Only Grandma came the next night. Mom had a late meeting because one of her cases was about to go to trial, and I
didn't ask where Ron was because I was embarrassed, and I didn't want him there anyway. As I was standing as still as I
ould, with Jimmy Snyder's hand under my chin, I wondered, What's the point of giving an extremely subtle performance
f basically no one is watching?
Grandma didn't come backstage to say hi before the performance the next night, or bye after, but I saw that she was
here. Through the eye sockets I could see her standing in the back of the gym, underneath the basketball hoop. Her
akeup was absorbing the lighting in a fascinating way, which made her look almost ultraviolet. "Alas, poor Yorick." I was
s still as I could be, and the whole time I was thinking, What trial is more important than the greatest play in history?
The next performance was only Grandma again. She cried at all the wrong times and cracked up at all the wrong times.
She applauded when the audience found out the news that Ophelia drowned, which is supposed to be bad news, and she
booed when Hamlet scored his first point in the duel against Laertes at the end, which is good, for obvious reasons.
"This is where his lips were that I used to kiss a lot. Where are your jokes now, your games, your songs?"
Backstage, before closing night, Jimmy Snyder imitated Grandma to the rest of the cast and crew. I guess I hadn't realized
how loud she was. I had gotten so angry at myself for noticing her, but I was wrong, it was her fault. Everyone noticed.
Jimmy did her exactly right--the way she swatted her left hand at something funny, like there was a fly in front of her
face. The way she tilted her head, like she was concentrating incredibly hard on something, and how she sneezed and told
herself, "God bless me." And how she cried and said, "That's sad," so everyone could hear it.
I sat there while he made all the kids crack up. Even Mrs. Rigley cracked up, and so did her husband, who played the piano
during the set changes. I didn't mention that she was my grandma, and I didn't tell him to stop. Outside, I was cracking up
too. Inside, I was wishing that she were tucked away in a portable pocket, or that she'd also had an invisibility suit. I
ished the two of us could go somewhere far away, like the Sixth Borough.
She was there again that night, in the back row, although only the first three rows were taken. I watched her from under
the skull. She had her hand pressed against her ultraviolet heart, and I could hear her saying, "That's sad. That's so sad." I
thought about the unfinished scarf, and the rock she carried across Broadway, and how she had lived so much life but still
eeded imaginary friends, and the one thousand thumb wars.

MARGIE CARSON. Hey, Hamlet, where's Polonius?
JIMMY SNYDER. At supper.
MARGIE CARSON. At supper! Where?
JIMMY SNYDER. Not where he eats, but where he's eaten.
MARGIE CARSON. Wow!
JIMMY SNYDER. A king can end up going through the guts of a beggar.
I felt, that night, on that stage, under that skull, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I
ondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's
so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and
dreaming?
Jimmy put his hand under my face. "This is where his lips were that I used to kiss a lot. Where are your jokes now, your
games, your songs?"
Maybe it was because of everything that had happened in those twelve weeks. Or maybe it was because I felt so close
and alone that night. I just couldn't be dead any longer.
ME. Alas, poor Hamlet [I take JIMMY SNYDER's face into my hand]; I knew him, Horatio.
IMMY SNYDER. But Yorick ... you're only ... a skull.
E. So what? I don't care. Screw you.
IMMY SNYDER. [whispers] This is not in the play. [He looks for help from MRS. RIGLEY, who is in the front row, flipping
through the script. She draws circles in the air with her right hand, which is the universal sign for "improvise."]
ME. I knew him, Horatio; a jerk of infinite stupidity, a most excellent masturbator in the second-floor boys' bathroom--I
have proof. Also, he's dyslexic.
JIMMY SNYDER. [Can't think of anything to say]
ME. Where be your gibes now, your gambols, your songs?
JIMMY SNYDER. What are you talking about?
ME. [Raises hand to scoreboard] Succotash my cocker spaniel, you fudging crevasse-hole dipshiitake!
JIMMY SNYDER. Huh?
ME. You are guilty of having abused those less strong than you: of making the lives of nerds like me and Toothpaste and
The Minch almost impossible, of imitating mental retards, of prank-calling people who get almost no phone calls anyway,
of terrorizing domesticated animals and old people--who, by the way, are smarter and more knowledgeable than
you--of making fun of me just because I have a pussy ... And I've seen you litter, too.
JIMMY SNYDER. I never prank-called any retards.
ME. You were adopted.
JIMMY SNYDER. [Searches audience for his parents]
ME. And nobody loves you.
JIMMY SNYDER. [His eyes fill with tears]
ME. And you have amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
IMMY SNYDER. Huh?
E. On behalf of the dead...[I pull the skull off my head. Even though it's made of papier-mache it's really hard. I smash it
gainst JIMMY SNYDER's head, and I smash it again. He falls to the ground, because he is unconscious, and I can't believe
ow strong I actually am. I smash his head again with all my force and blood starts to come out of his nose and ears. But I
till don't feel any sympathy for him. I want him to bleed, because he deserves it. And nothing else makes any sense. DAD
doesn't make sense. MOM doesn't make sense. THE AUDIENCE doesn't make sense. The folding chairs and fog-machine
fog don't make sense. Shakespeare doesn't make sense. The stars that I know are on the other side of the gym ceiling
on't make sense. The only thing that makes any sense right then is my smashing JIMMY SNYDER 's face. His blood. I
knock a bunch of his teeth into his mouth, and I think they go down his throat. There is blood everywhere, covering
verything. I keep smashing the skull against his skull, which is also RON's skull (for letting MOM get on with life) and
MOM's skull (for getting on with life) and DAD's skull (for dying) and GRANDMA's skull (for embarrassing me so much)
and DR. FEIN's skull (for asking if any good could come out of DAD's death) and the skulls of everyone else I know. THE
AUDIENCE is applauding, all of them, because I am making so much sense. They are giving me a standing ovation as I hit
him again and again. I hear them call]
THE AUDIENCE. Thank you! Thank you, Oskar! We love you so much! We'll protect you!
It would have been great.
I looked out across the audience from underneath the skull, with Jimmy's hand under my chin. "Alas, poor Yorick." I saw
Abe Black, and he saw me. I knew that we were sharing something with our eyes, but I didn't know what, and I didn't
know if it mattered.